I’ve wanted to write a blog on why I believe it is important to set boundaries for a very long time, but never seemed to get around to it. Probably because I was too busy and not applying my own boundaries.

However, earlier today as I reflected, I thought, what better time than just before Christmas? Seems like this is a period where our boundaries can be stretched, compromised or sabotaged. 

So, what am I talking about? Isn’t a boundary something that just therapists talk about when working with clients? Like agreeing not to have personal contact outside of sessions? Well yes, but boundaries can be set within our personal relationships too.  

Let me explain:

Imagine a field. The boundary is the fence that runs around it. Everything within the fence are things we are prepared to do. Everything outside we are not prepared to do. What we need to decide is where we build the boundary in the first place.  And this can vary with different relationships.

Another way of understanding boundaries is to read the work of Brené Brown. For example, in her book, ‘Daring Greatly’, she writes:

The most compassionate people that I’ve ever interviewed… happened to be the most boundaried. They happened to be the people who had very, very clear boundaries about what they were willing to do, what they were not willing to do, what they were willing to take on, and what they were not willing to take on…

I have a little boundary mantra now that’s… choose discomfort over resentment. In those moments that sometimes it’s uncomfortable to say “No, I can’t,” or “I’m sorry, I’m not available,” and it feels uncomfortable. But it’s so much better for me to choose being uncomfortable in a moment, than feeling complete resentment and judgment forever.

Brené Brown (2015) Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

And that is exactly it!

How many times do we agree to do something when we really don’t want to and then moan or harbour resentment for going along with it? I rest my case.

Now, I’m not suggesting we become selfish and only ever do things that we want to do. Of course, there will be times when we would prefer to stay at home watching Netflix than visit Auntie Gloria out of some sort of sense of duty (I don’t have an Auntie Gloria by the way).  However, if you do say yes to the annual boxing day buffet, when you would prefer to say no, make sure you leave the resentment at the door. Why? Because it is you who has made the decision, and It really isn’t fair to feel angry at them for ‘making you go’.

How do I ‘leave my anger at the door’ I hear you say? Well, lets go back to Auntie Gloria for that one. Say you’ve been invited to Aunt Gloria’s on New Year’s Day and you know a new series of Luther is being aired that you’ve been waiting all year for and you would much rather sit and home in your PJs and admire Idris Elba. This is the point when you need to consider where you want your boundaries to be.

Let’s say you decided to go, but then suddenly, your mind defaults to resentment as it has in the past. You are now walking around like a bear with a sore head as your mind torments you. What do you do?

You have 3 options:

1. Be passive aggressive, letting everyone know you don’t want to be there. You have a rubbish time, and don’t they know it.
2. Decide to leave, which comes with its own challenges.
3. Remind yourself it was your decision to attend and think of the reasons you decided to go. And remember, it isn’t their fault, and maybe you will be pleased you went.

If you go and really regret it, this is a great opportunity to reflect on where you set your boundaries in the future.

And remember, if you really don’t want to do something, then don’t, especially if you can’t let go of the resentment. Yes, you may have to deal with people’s disappointment and possible fall out, but our boundaries are important for maintaining difficult relationships that we don’t want to lose. It is important to also remember that just because you have set a particular boundary, it doesn’t mean people will like it. You can’t force your boundaries on to others.  What you must decide is whether the need for the boundary is greater than the potential discomfort or fall out? Not an easy decision I know, but maybe, quite possibly, it’s the right one for you.

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