I have a vivid memory of being 19 years old and having a two-hour phone discussion – well, I say discussion, it was more like I was ‘talked at’ for two hours by my boyfriend at the time. I remember so clearly because my ears hurt from the shouting. He was accusing me of ‘being a slag’ and ‘shagging around’. Why didn’t I put the phone down you say? Well, because that was a normal conversation for us to have back then.

So, what was my crime? Well, I had visited a friend in Manchester. A friend he knew and liked so it should have been okay; new friends would have been a bigger problem. Our plan was to catch up and paint the town red, however, after a couple of drinks I began to feel unwell so we had to end our night and go back to the hotel. We were both disappointed, but I was also relieved because I knew my boyfriend would be pleased I wasn’t going out – I know, in hindsight this was a pretty big warning sign.

I called my boyfriend, or should I say, ‘checked-in’ at a reasonable hour as was customary in our relationship. Can you guess what would happen if I didn’t call? Yes, that’s right, I was obviously sleeping around. However, that wasn’t the worst accusation to be fair. It was being ‘told’ that I clearly didn’t love him as much as he loved me because he wanted to talk to me all the time. I knew in my head he was wrong for saying this, but I was also confused and worried that he thought these things of me. I felt like I was going crazy, but he would tell me I was ‘over reacting’, and I should be grateful to have a boyfriend that cared so much – Arrrrrraaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Anyway, back to the hotel story. I had gone to bed like a good girl and done the obligatory check-in, so all good on that front. I put my phone on silent because I was sharing a room with my friend and didn’t want to wake her – BIG MISTAKE.

In the morning I looked at my phone and saw that he had called 30 times and sent 18 text messages. Obviously, I can’t remember every text, but you can probably guess how they went. I remember shaking and crying and telling my friend what had happened. She was angry and told me to leave him because this was a regular occurrence. She was right, it did happen a lot, but I was also defensive and angry at her. I didn’t think it was okay for him to send those messages, but I was upset and for some reason felt guilty even though I knew I had done nothing wrong. I called and spent another two hours on the phone determined to stand my corner, but in the end, I was so tired, confused and deflated, I agreed I was wrong. How had I gone from feeling so confident his behaviour was unacceptable to apologising and taking the blame?

I didn’t know at the time, in fact, it was many years later before I heard the term ‘gaslighting’ that I realised that this happened to me on many occasions in that relationship. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse where a person discredits, minimises, denies or twists a situation to make you feel like you are the one in the wrong, and like you are going crazy. When you are on the receiving end of this tactic you start to second guess your feelings, perception and memories. I knew it was wrong to have my boyfriend call me a ‘slag’, but he always managed to twist the situation and make me feel like I was in the wrong. This is gaslighting to a T.

In a way, it was a relief to know there was a name for what I experienced, because I did feel for many years I was ‘oversensitive’ and losing my mind.

Being on the receiving end of emotional and mental abuse is not always obvious to spot. I had no bruises, but inside I was anxious, depressed and paranoid. It affected my self-esteem and my other relationships until I realised what had happened to me.

Thankfully I know a lot about this subject and passionately talk about this in the hope that others in similar situations recognise what is happening to them.

For more information on gaslighting, and other forms of domestic abuse, check out the links below:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

https://www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/

https://www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/forms-of-domestic-abuse/

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