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Pet loss

Bruce, my Kerry Blue Terrier, was my soul dog. He was born in 2011, and he lived until he was twelve and a half years old. Bruce was not an easy dog; he was a terrier and I, and everyone else knew it! Loving and affectionate to those he knew, not a fan of people or animals he did not know – especially cats, dogs, the window cleaner, the postman…basically everything.  He had attitude and character, and he was a bit of a handful, but he was my dog, and I loved his terrier attitude.

When Bruce was in his twilight years, I began to imagine what life would be like without him. Instantly, I would feel sick and anxious, and it would send me into a negative spiral. I could not imagine a world without him, and I was certain that I would never have a dog again. It was not because I didn’t want another dog; I love dogs. No, I could never imagine loving another dog as much as I loved Bruce. I also felt that I would ache for years, and that it would be somehow disrespectful to have another. Almost like, having another dog meant I didn’t love Bruce as much as I claimed.

I said goodbye to Bruce on October 2, 2023, and my heart was broken. I knew it was coming, and I had processed a lot of feelings before (see my other blog on ‘anticipatory grief’), but nothing could have prepared me for the pain I felt that day. I felt lost and bereft.

Then, a few days later, I started looking at puppies with honest intention. I felt ashamed, confused, and curious all at once. 

So here is the thing, I am a therapist, which means analysing EVERYTHING – It is annoying. I wondered whether I was trying to avoid my feelings or transferring my attachment to another dog. I wrestled with my thoughts and feelings until November, only 5 weeks later, when I put my name down for a Welsh Terrier puppy. I was excited as well as simultaneously overwhelmed by guilt.

Mabel the Welshie arrived in December, and at first, I thought, ‘Oh goodness, what have I done?’ She wasn’t Bruce, and she was small, bitty, and playful, like puppies are. She was a real handful!

I don’t know when it happened, but I know it wasn’t long after she arrived that I realised that this was the right decision, and that I loved Mabel differently, once I had stopped comparing her to Bruce.

The decision to get another pet is not an easy one, and whether you do or you don’t, you wait for years, or bring another pet into your life immediately, is your decision, and there is no ‘right way.’

For me, I love animals, and life without them, even temporarily, left me feeling out of sync. Once I stopped analysing what it all meant and looked at my decision through a compassionate lens, I stopped worrying.  I also knew that I could give another dog a wonderful life. Bruce will always be my soul dog, and bringing Mabel into my life has not diminished that, but there was room in my life and my heart to welcome another dog into my life.

My motivation for writing this is not to convince you to get another pet straight away. That’s a personal decision, and a path you must take. However, I know from experience that other pet owners have felt guilty about bringing other pets into their lives. My intention in sharing is to let those people know that it’s okay if you do, because it’s never about replacing or forgetting.

It was a cold day in November, and we were staying at an Airbnb in North Wales. It was our third day, and we had been walking most of the day. As we rested for the evening, I noticed that Bruce, our nine-year-old Kerry Blue Terrier, was unusually tired. He had done a similar walk the day before, and the day before that, but he was used to that. Or so he was before this trip.

His tale was curled under his hind legs, and he was more subdued and tired. You may think, ‘Well, of course he was tired, he has just done three days walking!’ And maybe for most dogs, this would be an obvious conclusion, but not for Bruce.

I panicked, wondering if he was ill, but all other signs pointed to him being okay. So, I did the thing they tell you not to do: I went on Google to find my answers. What I found should have reassured me, as most articles did not point to anything sinister. Instead, the comments focused on ‘slowing down’, describing the signs as typical of dogs in their ‘senior years.’ It was in that moment that I experienced my first wave of what I would come to realise was ‘anticipatory grief.’ I did not know it then, but for the next eighteen months, I would be hyper vigilant and incredibly anxious; my grieving process had begun.

I became more aware that he was slowing down, his face was greying, and his arthritis was getting worse, and whenever he was out of sorts, it would send me into a mass panic. I tried to talk to people, but they did not understand. They wondered why I was thinking about him dying when he was still alive. I felt like I was spoiling the time we had together. This was strange and confusing, and it did not stop the thoughts coming alongside the intense emotions that hit me like waves.

I started to think there was something morbidly wrong with me, and as a therapist, I thought this was something I should be able to handle. I began to feel like a failure, and alone in this place; I did not understand.

Then one night, whilst feeling alone and upset, I turned to Google again. This time, I searched for therapists who specialised in pet bereavement therapy and was shocked to find several sites. I came across one and saw a poem that the therapist had written. Tears of relief rolled down my cheeks as I knew in that moment this therapist would understand. I did not hesitate; I emailed her immediately. I worked with her for 18 months.

My therapy helped me process my anticipatory grief and work through other experiences in my life that were connected. And when therapy ended, Bruce was still by my side. He died one year later.

Leaning into my grief, not rejecting it, or shaming myself for feeling this way, and the support I received, I believe, contributed to my healing process when the time came to say goodbye to Bruce. 

As a therapist already, this experience shaped me, and I have been passionate ever since in helping other pet owners navigate their grief, whether it occurs before, during, or after the loss of their pet. Sadly, there is still stigma about pet loss grief, but I am here to let you know that you are not alone.