” Nobody really talks about the 30s crisis, but I see it EVERYWHERE “

It’s a week since my birthday, and I suddenly felt compelled to write this blog. It’s no coincidence that the celebration of my birthday has made me reflect on life; my life and turning 40 in 2 years.  

When I was a teenager, 40 felt ancient, and scary. Old people were 40! The irony is, I feel more alive, and the youngest I’ve felt in a long time. I am happier, more content, and I know who I am, and what I want to be. However, it’s taken me a long time to get here, and that’s because I’ve battled with something I like to call, ‘the 30’s life crisis.’

Nobody really talks about the 30s crisis, but I see it EVERYWHERE: the media, family, friends, people who attend therapy, and it played a huge part in my own. Let me explain…

From being tiny little humans, we are socialised and told how to live a ‘normal’ life. It goes something like this:

…do well at school, go to college, go to university, travel or get a job, get a girlfriend/boyfriend – not a serious one to start with – then move onto ‘the one’, get a house together, get married, have kids, do well at work, go on a cruise, die…       

Please hear me loud and clear; I’m not saying there is anything wrong with this trajectory of life. My point is, what if this just isn’t for you? Or, what if this dream doesn’t exist? Or what if you follow this trajectory and it ends up not being what you expected? Then what? I tell you what happens, you have a 30s crisis! This goes something like this:

• I’m turning 30/ in my 30’s and I’m nowhere near settled down… PANIC!
• All my friends are getting engaged and I’m still single… I don’t even want a partner…. But does that matter?  What’s wrong with me? PANIC!
• All my friends have good jobs and I still don’t know what career I want… What’s wrong with me? PANIC.
• All my friends are having babies and mortgages and I don’t… Do I even want children or a loan for the next 30 years? I don’t know…, Should I know? Arragggghhhhhhhh PANIC, PANIC, PANIC!

And this is not just an issue that affects women; men struggle too.  It saddens me that in today’s modern world, people feel their self-worth is measured on whether they have ticked off these milestones, in a certain order, by a certain age.  

And, if like me you choose a different path, you must deal with another person’s confusion. Oh goodness, I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been asked why I don’t want children. Now, these days I can confidently decline to respond or engage in the conversation if I want to. However, this was not always the case, especially around the ages of 27-34. In fact, it affected me so much I embarked on two years of intense psychoanalysis to find out why I did not want children. And guess what? Yes, that’s right, I felt the same at the end of therapy.

Sometimes, we just don’t all want the same things, we don’t always value the same milestones in the same way, we don’t always have the same perspectives on life. And that’s okay. But it can feel like a lonely place. And because we feel judged, and because we feel like we are alone, we try and deal with our feelings of perceived failure in silence, putting on a pretence, pretending that everything’s fine. But in doing this, we can have a profound impact on our emotional and mental health. I see this too often in my work.

My goal in writing this blog is to create discussion around this crisis; which is happening everywhere and affecting mental health. We need to talk about these issues and challenge the shame and stigma that people like I felt; and the clients I have seen over the years have experienced too. And if we do talk about it, we will probably find that more people are having similar thoughts and feelings to us.

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I’ve wanted to write a blog on why I believe it is important to set boundaries for a very long time, but never seemed to get around to it. Probably because I was too busy and not applying my own boundaries.

However, earlier today as I reflected, I thought, what better time than just before Christmas? Seems like this is a period where our boundaries can be stretched, compromised or sabotaged. 

So, what am I talking about? Isn’t a boundary something that just therapists talk about when working with clients? Like agreeing not to have personal contact outside of sessions? Well yes, but boundaries can be set within our personal relationships too.  

Let me explain:

Imagine a field. The boundary is the fence that runs around it. Everything within the fence are things we are prepared to do. Everything outside we are not prepared to do. What we need to decide is where we build the boundary in the first place.  And this can vary with different relationships.

Another way of understanding boundaries is to read the work of Brené Brown. For example, in her book, ‘Daring Greatly’, she writes:

The most compassionate people that I’ve ever interviewed… happened to be the most boundaried. They happened to be the people who had very, very clear boundaries about what they were willing to do, what they were not willing to do, what they were willing to take on, and what they were not willing to take on…

I have a little boundary mantra now that’s… choose discomfort over resentment. In those moments that sometimes it’s uncomfortable to say “No, I can’t,” or “I’m sorry, I’m not available,” and it feels uncomfortable. But it’s so much better for me to choose being uncomfortable in a moment, than feeling complete resentment and judgment forever.

Brené Brown (2015) Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

And that is exactly it!

How many times do we agree to do something when we really don’t want to and then moan or harbour resentment for going along with it? I rest my case.

Now, I’m not suggesting we become selfish and only ever do things that we want to do. Of course, there will be times when we would prefer to stay at home watching Netflix than visit Auntie Gloria out of some sort of sense of duty (I don’t have an Auntie Gloria by the way).  However, if you do say yes to the annual boxing day buffet, when you would prefer to say no, make sure you leave the resentment at the door. Why? Because it is you who has made the decision, and It really isn’t fair to feel angry at them for ‘making you go’.

How do I ‘leave my anger at the door’ I hear you say? Well, lets go back to Auntie Gloria for that one. Say you’ve been invited to Aunt Gloria’s on New Year’s Day and you know a new series of Luther is being aired that you’ve been waiting all year for and you would much rather sit and home in your PJs and admire Idris Elba. This is the point when you need to consider where you want your boundaries to be.

Let’s say you decided to go, but then suddenly, your mind defaults to resentment as it has in the past. You are now walking around like a bear with a sore head as your mind torments you. What do you do?

You have 3 options:

1. Be passive aggressive, letting everyone know you don’t want to be there. You have a rubbish time, and don’t they know it.
2. Decide to leave, which comes with its own challenges.
3. Remind yourself it was your decision to attend and think of the reasons you decided to go. And remember, it isn’t their fault, and maybe you will be pleased you went.

If you go and really regret it, this is a great opportunity to reflect on where you set your boundaries in the future.

And remember, if you really don’t want to do something, then don’t, especially if you can’t let go of the resentment. Yes, you may have to deal with people’s disappointment and possible fall out, but our boundaries are important for maintaining difficult relationships that we don’t want to lose. It is important to also remember that just because you have set a particular boundary, it doesn’t mean people will like it. You can’t force your boundaries on to others.  What you must decide is whether the need for the boundary is greater than the potential discomfort or fall out? Not an easy decision I know, but maybe, quite possibly, it’s the right one for you.

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I didn’t know how to process these challenging periods in my life, so instead, I developed a common defence mechanism to ‘protect myself’. It went something like this: ‘expect the worst, and anything less is a bonus’. Sound familiar? The irony being, adopting this position made me feel much worse. It’s not nice thinking people and the world will let you down.

I didn’t realise this at the time, but in seeing the world through this lens, I was responding from a victim perspective. My therapist introduced the ‘Karpman Triangle’ or as some of us know it, ‘The Drama Triangle’. He explained that when we get caught in this, we are operating from either a ‘victim’, ‘attacker’ or a ‘rescuer’ position. He went on to summarise that if we don’t heal when we are a victim, we can become stuck in this position going forward in life. Made sense I thought.

I was keeping up with his explanation until he related this to my experience. His analysis was that I had not recovered from earlier traumas and now my victim position was ‘a path well-trodden’. What?! I was outraged, wounded and immediately defensive. I felt he was attacking me and experienced this personally. See how something I thought was ‘helpful’ was turned into a personal attack.

I was furious with his analysis. How dare he label me a victim? How dare he make me feel this way? And of course, the more we explored this in the session, the more victim-like I felt. In my eyes, he was making me feel bad, and I wanted to feel good, so I wanted to leave him and find another therapist that would tell me how right I was (rescue me). I wanted someone to stop my pain, I wanted to blame other people and the world, and I wanted to feel justified in how I was feeling and behaving; especially when I was being unreasonable. For example, when I was rude and obnoxious I would begrudgingly apologise. However, it would usually go something like this, ‘I’m sorry for being rude but…’ Or, ‘I’m sorry for being a pain, it’s just because….’  I was always justifying my behaviour.

It is understandable that at times we feel life is unfair, especially when we experience traumatic events. Life can be incredibly painful, and people are not always kind to one another. Sometimes people do terrible things that are not okay. It’s therefore important to get help to deal with these experiences.

Where I got caught out, and others do too, is believing that because of these events, something must be wrong with me; I must be a bad person to have these terrible events happen to me.

Let’s take the situation with my therapist for example. You have already read how I interpreted what happened back then. Another interpretation is, he was trying to help me. It probably would still sting a bit to hear this said about me (I am human still), but not taking what he was saying so personally would allow me to explore my patterns, and most importantly, have a better life.

I know there will be a next time when I feel life is shitty (which it will be).  I will probably say again, ‘life isn’t fair, everyone hates me, I must have done something bad to deserve this’. However, in time, I will try to remember that sometimes life is painful, and people do treat people unkindly. I need to remember that I really don’t need to build a wall (metaphorically I mean) to keep ‘safe.’ I will need support again, but I don’t need to be rescued. What’s the difference you say? For me, someone who is supportive is like a coach. They encourage, listen and stand alongside the person. Someone who is rescuing is fixing the problem for them. Sometimes this is a nice thing to do, but if done repeatedly it can keep the other person stuck in the victim position. How can anyone move out of this position if they have never had the opportunity to do it for themselves? I’m not saying it is not okay to rescue, like I’m not saying it’s not okay to feel like a victim; it’s just a problem when we stay in these positions.

I also may need to say I am sorry for being rude to you. It’s not okay to justify my behaviour just because I feel badly done to. That’s how you step out of the Drama Triangle, by taking responsibility when required.

Sounds easy doesn’t it?! It can take time to develop our awareness and we may need help to do this. That’s okay, it means you are taking steps towards a healthier life. And, when life is painful, which it will be, you may not feel better for a very long time. Hopefully though, if we can let go of believing we did something wrong to deserve this, the world will begin to feel more bearable again. And for me, that’s got to be a nicer position to hold on to.

Below is the Karpman Triangle and the ‘Winners’ Triangle’:

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I have a vivid memory of being 19 years old and having a two-hour phone discussion – well, I say discussion, it was more like I was ‘talked at’ for two hours by my boyfriend at the time. I remember so clearly because my ears hurt from the shouting. He was accusing me of ‘being a slag’ and ‘shagging around’. Why didn’t I put the phone down you say? Well, because that was a normal conversation for us to have back then.

So, what was my crime? Well, I had visited a friend in Manchester. A friend he knew and liked so it should have been okay; new friends would have been a bigger problem. Our plan was to catch up and paint the town red, however, after a couple of drinks I began to feel unwell so we had to end our night and go back to the hotel. We were both disappointed, but I was also relieved because I knew my boyfriend would be pleased I wasn’t going out – I know, in hindsight this was a pretty big warning sign.

I called my boyfriend, or should I say, ‘checked-in’ at a reasonable hour as was customary in our relationship. Can you guess what would happen if I didn’t call? Yes, that’s right, I was obviously sleeping around. However, that wasn’t the worst accusation to be fair. It was being ‘told’ that I clearly didn’t love him as much as he loved me because he wanted to talk to me all the time. I knew in my head he was wrong for saying this, but I was also confused and worried that he thought these things of me. I felt like I was going crazy, but he would tell me I was ‘over reacting’, and I should be grateful to have a boyfriend that cared so much – Arrrrrraaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Anyway, back to the hotel story. I had gone to bed like a good girl and done the obligatory check-in, so all good on that front. I put my phone on silent because I was sharing a room with my friend and didn’t want to wake her – BIG MISTAKE.

In the morning I looked at my phone and saw that he had called 30 times and sent 18 text messages. Obviously, I can’t remember every text, but you can probably guess how they went. I remember shaking and crying and telling my friend what had happened. She was angry and told me to leave him because this was a regular occurrence. She was right, it did happen a lot, but I was also defensive and angry at her. I didn’t think it was okay for him to send those messages, but I was upset and for some reason felt guilty even though I knew I had done nothing wrong. I called and spent another two hours on the phone determined to stand my corner, but in the end, I was so tired, confused and deflated, I agreed I was wrong. How had I gone from feeling so confident his behaviour was unacceptable to apologising and taking the blame?

I didn’t know at the time, in fact, it was many years later before I heard the term ‘gaslighting’ that I realised that this happened to me on many occasions in that relationship. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse where a person discredits, minimises, denies or twists a situation to make you feel like you are the one in the wrong, and like you are going crazy. When you are on the receiving end of this tactic you start to second guess your feelings, perception and memories. I knew it was wrong to have my boyfriend call me a ‘slag’, but he always managed to twist the situation and make me feel like I was in the wrong. This is gaslighting to a T.

In a way, it was a relief to know there was a name for what I experienced, because I did feel for many years I was ‘oversensitive’ and losing my mind.

Being on the receiving end of emotional and mental abuse is not always obvious to spot. I had no bruises, but inside I was anxious, depressed and paranoid. It affected my self-esteem and my other relationships until I realised what had happened to me.

Thankfully I know a lot about this subject and passionately talk about this in the hope that others in similar situations recognise what is happening to them.

For more information on gaslighting, and other forms of domestic abuse, check out the links below:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

https://www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/

https://www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/forms-of-domestic-abuse/

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