How do you feel?
…I don’t know…
Would you like to do anything?
…I don’t know…
Would you like anything to eat?
…I don’t know…
Do you want me to stay, or leave you alone?
…I don’t know…
This is what depression can feel like; lots of “don’t knows”. Followed by tears. And that’s all they are. Not sad, not angry, not scared, just nothing tears. You see, depression doesn’t always mean feeling sad. At least when you feel sad, you are familiar with this feeling. Like, when my dad sold my rabbit Flopsy when I was a little girl. That was sad! I cried loads then, because…, well, that was sad. But depression is different.
My depression came in waves of nothingness, irritability and fatigue. Oh boy, it was best to avoid me when I was feeling my irritable-depressed feelings. I hated the world, people, EVERYTHING! Well, apart from dogs. I liked dogs.
Depression-Fatigue felt like carrying a 15 stone object all day. Have you ever tried brushing your teeth whilst carrying a 15 stone object? I don’t recommend it, but I think you get my drift. Sometimes I would be having a less depressed day, so getting dressed and general hygiene stuff got a look in.
Many years have passed, and I’m glad to say that my make up bag is full and I’m running out of my Coco Chanel perfume, which are all signs that I am well. It took a long time, and even now I try not to take my eye off the ball.
There wasn’t one solution that got me through my depression; it came from a combination of trying lots of types of therapy, medication, self-help, reading, talking, having support, leaving a toxic job role, flowers (receiving and planting), Netflix, re-runs of Only Fools & Horses, my SAD lamp, Ibiza (don’t ask), reading and walking my dog, Bruce.
I don’t know if this will help, but if you’re reading this, and struggling, it’s shit. It’s really shit. But it can get less shit. Maybe you’ll be lucky and never feel depressed again. Or maybe you won’t, and you’ll have to keep a watchful eye over it from time to time. Whatever the case, keep looking for what helps you. Even if you think you’ve tried everything, keep looking, keep trying, keep talking.
