The Drama Triangle
It’s difficult to admit this, but many years ago, I really did feel as if the world was against me. Life felt hard back then and looking back, it was. I felt every direction I turned had me arrive at another set of problems and heartache. I became bitter, depressed and anxious as I waited for the next blow in life. I really did feel as the world was unfair and ‘someone up there hates me.’ I remember a friend suggest I go to Church, to which I replied, ‘God can f*!& off!’ I regret saying that now.
I didn’t know how to process these challenging periods in my life, so instead, I developed a common defence mechanism to ‘protect myself’. It went something like this: ‘expect the worst, and anything less is a bonus’. Sound familiar? The irony being, adopting this position made me feel much worse. It’s not nice thinking people and the world will let you down.
I didn’t realise this at the time, but in seeing the world through this lens, I was responding from a victim perspective. My therapist introduced the ‘Karpman Triangle’ or as some of us know it, ‘The Drama Triangle’. He explained that when we get caught in this, we are operating from either a ‘victim’, ‘attacker’ or a ‘rescuer’ position. He went on to summarise that if we don’t heal when we are a victim, we can become stuck in this position going forward in life. Made sense I thought.
I was keeping up with his explanation until he related this to my experience. His analysis was that I had not recovered from earlier traumas and now my victim position was ‘a path well-trodden’. What?! I was outraged, wounded and immediately defensive. I felt he was attacking me and experienced this personally. See how something I thought was ‘helpful’ was turned into a personal attack.
I was furious with his analysis. How dare he label me a victim? How dare he make me feel this way? And of course, the more we explored this in the session, the more victim-like I felt. In my eyes, he was making me feel bad, and I wanted to feel good, so I wanted to leave him and find another therapist that would tell me how right I was (rescue me). I wanted someone to stop my pain, I wanted to blame other people and the world, and I wanted to feel justified in how I was feeling and behaving; especially when I was being unreasonable. For example, when I was rude and obnoxious I would begrudgingly apologise. However, it would usually go something like this, ‘I’m sorry for being rude but…’ Or, ‘I’m sorry for being a pain, it’s just because….’ I was always justifying my behaviour.
It is understandable that at times we feel life is unfair, especially when we experience traumatic events. Life can be incredibly painful, and people are not always kind to one another. Sometimes people do terrible things that are not okay. It’s therefore important to get help to deal with these experiences.
Where I got caught out, and others do too, is believing that because of these events, something must be wrong with me; I must be a bad person to have these terrible events happen to me.
Let’s take the situation with my therapist for example. You have already read how I interpreted what happened back then. Another interpretation is, he was trying to help me. It probably would still sting a bit to hear this said about me (I am human still), but not taking what he was saying so personally would allow me to explore my patterns, and most importantly, have a better life.
I know there will be a next time when I feel life is shitty (which it will be). I will probably say again, ‘life isn’t fair, everyone hates me, I must have done something bad to deserve this’. However, in time, I will try to remember that sometimes life is painful, and people do treat people unkindly. I need to remember that I really don’t need to build a wall (metaphorically I mean) to keep ‘safe.’ I will need support again, but I don’t need to be rescued. What’s the difference you say? For me, someone who is supportive is like a coach. They encourage, listen and stand alongside the person. Someone who is rescuing is fixing the problem for them. Sometimes this is a nice thing to do, but if done repeatedly it can keep the other person stuck in the victim position. How can anyone move out of this position if they have never had the opportunity to do it for themselves? I’m not saying it is not okay to rescue, like I’m not saying it’s not okay to feel like a victim; it’s just a problem when we stay in these positions.
I also may need to say I am sorry for being rude to you. It’s not okay to justify my behaviour just because I feel badly done to. That’s how you step out of the Drama Triangle, by taking responsibility when required.
Sounds easy doesn’t it?! It can take time to develop our awareness and we may need help to do this. That’s okay, it means you are taking steps towards a healthier life. And, when life is painful, which it will be, you may not feel better for a very long time. Hopefully though, if we can let go of believing we did something wrong to deserve this, the world will begin to feel more bearable again. And for me, that’s got to be a nicer position to hold on to.
Below is the Karpman Triangle and the ‘Winners’ Triangle’:
